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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29638686">Bisexuality Blues</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/painted_whore/pseuds/painted_whore'>painted_whore</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempt at Humor, Bad Dirty Talk, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexuality, Bittersweet Ending, Boyfriends, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Pining, Pride Parades, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sexuality Crisis, Smut, Supportive Sam Winchester, Top Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:00:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29638686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/painted_whore/pseuds/painted_whore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean struggles with labeling his own sexuality so much he doesn't even notice that he's not the only one pining.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>144</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Bisexuality Blues</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>What it was supposed to be: a short drabble with me vigorously struggling with my own bisexuality through fictional characters.</p><p>What it ended up being: this.</p><p>Not set in any specific season, and probably exists outside of the canon plot.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean Winchester is straight.</p><p>No.</p><p>Well, yes, but <em>no</em>. Not really, right?</p><p>Maybe... Dean Winchester is gay.</p><p>No, no, god no. That's entirely wrong. There is no way in <em>hell</em>.</p><p>Dean Winchester is... bisexual?</p><p>Now, that's something... But, honestly, he's only ever <em>done things</em> with women, so maybe this is overdoing it. A little crush here and there doesn't count, right? It's teenage hormones (<em>Everyone</em> has a bicurious phase, after all! That is nothing to define yourself by!), or it's just, y'know, a man <em>designed</em> to be a heartthrob, so really, Dr. Sexy just doesn't count. And he's not real anyway. Dean can't actually be into him because he doesn't actually exist.</p><p>Maybe he is straight after all, Dean wonders to himself. And in a moment of extraordinary weakness (or strength, if you wanna be all mushy) he talks to Sam about it.</p><p>Sam's eyebrows shoot skyward, and seconds later Dean gets <em>the look</em>, and after that he gets a lot of feelings-talk that borders dangerously close to chick-flick territory.</p><p>To summarize, Sam doesn't give a fuck.</p><p>Well, okay, that's over-simplifying it. Fine. Sam <em>does</em> give a fuck about Dean, but he says that Dean shouldn't worry so much about quote-unquote <em>labeling himself</em> and whatnot.</p><p>That's a load of bullcrap of course. But at least his brother isn't teasing him about any of this. (Not yet, anyway.) At this point, Dean would probably just snap.</p><p>This whole thing is absolutely ridiculous, not to mention <em>annoying</em>, so he tries to forget about it.</p><p><em>Dean Winchester is awesome.</em> How about that?</p><p> </p><p>Except, that doesn't last long. Exactly two nights in fact, and then Cas shows up in the bunker and Dean's brain is spaghetti again.</p><p>Yeah, okay, so: He wants to touch Cas, alright? He really does. He wants to touch his arms and interlock their fingers and he wants to curl up around him, or push him into a wall and suck into his neck, or—</p><p>No, no, too far.</p><p>Too far.</p><p>Dean doesn't want that. That's what he tells himself when Cas comes up to him, all puppy dog eyes and chapped lips, and pulls on his sleeve to get him to concentrate on whatever he's rambling on about.</p><p>Turns out it's a case. Nine hours of driving, give or take, and Cas says he'll wait for them there.</p><p> </p><p>In the car, Dean asks Sam why Cas is always all over them, so touchy. His brother says he only does that to Dean, which shuts Dean up until three hours later when he asks Sam if he's straight.</p><p>"Yeah," Sam says, "I am." The answer comes so quickly and easily, and Dean is all kinds of jealous.</p><p>Things were a lot simpler back when he had himself convinced of the same thing.</p><p>He wants that certainty back.</p><p> </p><p>The hunt is easy. Well, relatively.</p><p>Afterward, it's the same nine-hour drive in the opposite direction.</p><p>Dean asks Sam how he's so sure he's straight. Sam can't really answer that question, and asks instead "Why are you <em>not sure</em>?"</p><p>The simplest answer would be "Cas", but that's a bit absurd, so Dean keeps his mouth shut.</p><p>Sam says that he'll figure it out one day, maybe after getting some real experience.</p><p>Pfft. Sam doesn't know what he's talking about. It's not like Dean can just say "Yeah, I'll pick up guys from now on," and go do that. Ridiculous. How would that even work.</p><p> </p><p>Back in the bunker Dean types in "gay" in the search bar of the porn site he's on, but backspaces it before he can press enter.</p><p>It's just too much. Just regular, heterosexual porn please, and thank you.</p><p>That's a point for straight.</p><p>His mind starts drifting off into a certain angel's direction though, and that's a point for gay.</p><p>Bi. Whatever.</p><p>Does Cas even count? He's just a "multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent", right? He's genderless. He has a male vessel, yeah, but his <em>soul</em>...</p><p>Oh, come on. Now he's getting desperate. Angel or not, Cas is very much male, at least in every way Dean can see and feel.</p><p>He asks Cas about it the next time he's around. Casually. Like it's no big deal either way.</p><p>Cas says that yes, for all intents and purposes: he is male. He then asks why Dean is curious about that.</p><p>Dean doesn't say.</p><p>Doesn't matter; maybe being attracted to an angel lies outside of the whole straight-gay realm anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Turns out that not everybody has had a few gay thoughts here and there. Dean could have sworn that that's just part of life. But Sam's really adamant about the fact that it's not.</p><p>Dean kind of regrets asking him about it.</p><p>Sam wonders aloud what has gotten into Dean, talking about his feelings so openly and frequently.</p><p>Dean points to his glass of whiskey. "Strength comes from within."</p><p>Sam takes the bottle away from him.</p><p> </p><p>A month or so later, Dean finally feels normal again. Cas comes to visit, and Dean can hold a conversation without daydreaming about the angel. Why would he, anyway? Cas is his best friend. He's handsome, sure. But he's a <em>he</em>.</p><p>Dean probably just imagined the whole thing. All that turmoil for nothing — Turns out he's straight after all.</p><p> </p><p>Another month later and he wakes up from a dream about being with Cas. But there's no angel next to him, or in his bedroom, or probably even on this planet, because Cas is in heaven, and that's about as far away as a guy can be.</p><p>Dean's eyes are filled with sleep and his mind is mush, tufts of dream floating around in his head.</p><p>In his dream, he was kissing Cas, right on the mouth, like it's nothing at all, like he does it all day every day.</p><p>It felt good.</p><p>
  <em>Son of a bitch.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Later that day, at breakfast, Sam notices that something's up with his brother. And when Dean nonchalantly tries to ask when Cas said he would return Sam knows what this is about.</p><p>"You could pray for him, I'm sure he'll come," Sam suggests.</p><p>Dean files that idea under "crazy desperate" and doesn't even begin to consider it.</p><p>Cas shows up nevertheless, a few hours later, and announces himself with a rap on Dean's bedroom door.</p><p>"Come in," Dean says.</p><p>Cas does, messy hair and dusty trenchcoat, and tells him that Sam asked him to come.</p><p>"Oh," Dean says, and waits for Cas to say something.</p><p>The angel continues carefully, "He said you wanted to talk to me? What is it about?"</p><p>Dean curses his brother under his breath and attempts to small talk with Cas, which ends about as well as all other times anyone has ever attempted to do small talk with the angel.</p><p>In the end, Cas leaves, confused and rightly irritated, and Dean rubs his hands over his face and groans heavily.</p><p> </p><p>Dean can't sleep. And he can't stop thinking about Cas; about not being a wuss and actually asking him for what he wants to try out; for what he craves.</p><p>
  <em>Hey, Cas, want to kiss me on the mouth? Hey, want to go to sleep with me, or on a picnic with me, or— Hey, Cas, are you even into men? Are you into... <em>anything</em>? Any<em>one</em>?</em>
</p><p>The thoughts don't stop pouring in, images of crystal-blue eyes and loosened ties and discarded trenchcoats.</p><p>
  <em>Hey, Cas, want to suck my dick with those pretty lips? Want to ride me like there's no tomorrow?</em>
</p><p>God, Cas would look amazing on top of him: unbuttoned shirt and sweaty forehead, hair standing in all directions and small gasps coming out of his mouth as he grinds on Dean, one hand on Dean's naked chest to support himself, the other on his own leaking cock.</p><p> </p><p>Falling asleep is easier after an orgasm.</p><p> </p><p>Waking up is hard. (And, <em>he's hard</em>.) And oh god, did he jack off to the thought of Castiel, Angel of The Lord?</p><p>He's going to hell.</p><p>
  <em>Again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Cas is in the library when Dean comes stumbling out of the shower. Dean already has enough alcohol intake to forget the whole gay-fantasy thing, even though it's barely noon. Still, the sight of the angel is rather shocking.</p><p>What's even more shocking is that Sam is there too, trying to hide his laughter behind one of his giant paws. There are actually <em>tears</em> in his eyes, he's holding back so hard.</p><p>Cas says "Dean, I need to talk to you," very seriously, and Dean's stomach flips.</p><p>Two minutes later, in one of the spare bedrooms, Cas has explained to Dean that prayers work unconsciously and that Dean should be careful with what he sends Cas' way.</p><p>Dean's understanding clicks a bit too late, and then he's all flustered, a flush spreading over his neck and face, making his freckles shine.</p><p>Cas zaps away.</p><p> </p><p>Dean is pretty good with confrontation.</p><p>So he storms towards Sam, who still has a stupid grin on his face, and asks him <em>what the hell just happened</em>.</p><p>Clearly, Cas has told Sam about it, because his brother just shivers in mock disgust and says "Tell your angel that I don't really need to know what you do behind closed doors."</p><p>"He's not <em>my angel</em>," Dean snaps at him, as if that changes anything. Sam just shrugs.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hey, Cas. Sorry about last night. I promise it won't happen again. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It was an accident, is all.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sam starts picking on Dean: gentle jabs and wordplays that really drive him up the wall.</p><p>But Dean considers it the lesser evil. God forbid Sam would actually try to have a serious talk about what happened.</p><p>And the other alternative is Cas breaking his radio silence, showing up at the bunker, and forcing Dean to look into his eyes and relive his dirty, dirty, <em>gay</em> fantasies.</p><p> </p><p>Two weeks.</p><p>That's how long Dean manages to stay sane. After that, he starts jerking off again. To lesbian porn.</p><p>It's hot, and it gets him there, but right as he comes he tells himself "Don't think about Cas", and that makes him think about Cas, and- <em>F-fuck, Cas, ahh!</em>.</p><p>Fan-freaking-tastic.</p><p> </p><p>When Cas shows up the next time he refuses to meet Dean's eyes. Dean has the horrible feeling that his... mishap the other day got turned into a prayer, <em>again</em>.</p><p>Sam notices, of course.</p><p> </p><p>"Seriously, you got to stop jerking off to Cas. I think it makes him uncomfortable."</p><p>Dean's jaw drops. "What?! I don't <em>jerk off to Cas</em>! What are you even talking about?"</p><p>"Dude, he told me about it. I'm not even sure the poor guy understands what's happening. He said he felt 'heated emotions'." Sam does air quotes.</p><p>Dean stutters around a bit, trying to find words to defend himself. "I've got no idea what he could mean by that," he lies.</p><p>Sam knows that he's lying, of course, and raises a challenging eyebrow at him.</p><p>"I don't. Jerk off. To guys," Dean says with a finality that ends the conversation.</p><p> </p><p>"You know," Sam starts, and takes a swig of beer.</p><p>They're in a bar they've scouted for a case, but the hunt was over and now they're waiting for dawn to drive back to the bunker. Dean had suggested drinks and hustling pool.</p><p>"It's totally fine that you're into guys," Sam continues.</p><p>Dean gets his drink in the wrong pipe and has a coughing fit.</p><p>"I'm not-," he manages to get out.</p><p>"Alright, it'd be fine if you <em>were</em> into guys," Sam corrects himself. He gets serious then and softens his tone. "You know that, right?"</p><p>"Yeah," Dean shoots his brother a sarcastic smile and nods, "I know."</p><p>"'Cause whatever dad said, I never agreed with him on that, okay? I don't care either way."</p><p>"Fine," Dean says.</p><p>"Good." Sam smiles. "But seriously, you should tell Cas you like him."</p><p>What is this, sixth grade?</p><p> </p><p>Dean enjoys talking to Cas. So much so that he actually considers telling him. Except, he's not so sure he knows what there is to tell. "Hey, you make me question my sexuality," isn't the best conversation starter after all.</p><p>The choice is taken from Dean in what is — in his opinion — a very violent manner.</p><p>"Dean, do you pleasure yourself to the thought of me?" Cas asks him flat-out.</p><p>Dean's mouth shapes a perfect o, and nothing comes out. Cas shifts from one leg to the other, obviously uncomfortable.</p><p>"It's just... Sam told me to ask," the angel explains.</p><p>Dean wants to kick his brother where it hurts.</p><p>"I don't," he answers finally.</p><p>Cas nods slowly, eyes fixed on him — probably not buying it, Dean thinks.</p><p>"About what you asked..." Cas begins. "I don't think I understood the questions completely. But if you were to explain-"</p><p>"Wait, what questions?" Dean interrupts him.</p><p>"In your prayer," Cas clarifies. "Something about riding-"</p><p>"Uhh," Dean cuts him off again, "No, no, forget about that. That wasn't meant for you, nope."</p><p>"Okay." There's a second of silence. "You also asked something personal about me, which I would like to answer to the best of my abilities."</p><p>"Oh?"</p><p>"You asked what, or rather who, I'm 'into'. I assume you meant romantic or sexual attraction?"</p><p>Dean could refuse to acknowledge this as well, but damn, he really wants to know. "Uh, yeah."</p><p>"I do experience attraction. And I <em>am</em> attracted to men," Cas says, and Dean's breath hitches. "Since you asked about that specifically."</p><p>"Uh-huh." Dean gapes for air like a fish out of water.</p><p>"I'll be on my way now," Cas says after a moment of deliberation.</p><p>Dean reaches out to his shoulder before he can stop himself. "No, Cas, wait."</p><p>"Yes, Dean?"</p><p>"How do you know?" He clears his throat. "That you're attracted to men, I mean."</p><p> </p><p>Cas is good at many things, but he's not good at expressing himself clearly. And so, after they had their little talk, Dean feels more unsure of himself than ever.</p><p>He stooped so low already. He asked, god forbid, his <em>brother</em>, and even worse, his best friend / guardian angel / crush for advice, and now he's googling "How to know if you're bisexual". <em>Seriously.</em></p><p>He finds a quiz.</p><p>The questions make him uncomfortable.</p><p>He closes the tab.</p><p> </p><p>The Winchesters work a case that involves crashing a wedding. That's kind of fun, or at least something different for once, and they hang around after to make sure that everything's clear.</p><p>The church is decorated with white and blue flowers, and Dean can't help but think about how good Cas would look in a suit next to them.</p><p>That has nothing to do with it being a wedding. Just... it would be good.</p><p>Dean doubts that Sam ever has thoughts like that randomly pop into his head.</p><p> </p><p>It's late, Sam's in bed already and Dean is about to say goodnight to Cas when the angel suddenly grabs his shoulder, gently pulling him closer. His eyes, dark yet affectionate, meet Dean's for an instant, and Dean detects a hint of hesitation in them; a question.</p><p>Dean opens his mouth to say something — to ask what this is about. But before he can form the words, Cas presses a kiss on his cheekbone, keeps his lips there for a second before releasing him.</p><p>"Goodnight, Dean."</p><p>He vanishes, and the moment with him, and Dean's heart does somersaults.</p><p> </p><p>He thinks about it for hours, rolling around in bed, heart beating fast. Finally, he prays.</p><p>
  <em>Cas, I can't sleep.</em>
</p><p>That's all it takes. A dark silhouette appears at the end of his bed.</p><p>"Dean."</p><p>"Why'd you do that?" Dean asks before anything else.</p><p>"Do what?" Cas asks calmy and moves closer. It's too dark for Dean to make anything out, the angel's just a looming shadow above him.</p><p>"Kiss me," Dean answers the question. Then all of the sudden the shadow grows larger and he feels a soft breath on his face before Cas connects their lips.</p><p>Dean sighs into it, opening his mouth to let Cas gain access. The angel's tongue gently strokes over his lips but doesn't enter. Too soon it's over; Cas straightens himself up again and takes a step backwards.</p><p>"Woah," Dean says, pretty much speechless.</p><p>Cas doesn't say anything, but he doesn't vanish. He stays, watching — until Dean's fallen asleep wrapped up in comfortable darkness, and maybe even longer than that.</p><p> </p><p>When Dean wakes up he is alone with his thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Sam's gotta be psychic or <em>something</em> because he keeps staring at Dean when he thinks Dean isn't looking, as if he knew that Dean's world has turned upside down.</p><p> </p><p>Dean has an itch he can't scratch: he wants to kiss Cas again. So, so badly. Now that he knows what it feels like, how <em>good</em>, how <em>right</em> it feels, he doesn't ever want to forget.</p><p>But Cas called: He is on a heavenly mission somewhere, and barely has time to give Sam and Dean important updates via text, let alone visit them just to hang out.</p><p>So, Dean has to stay patient.</p><p> </p><p>When the time finally comes it's a few weeks later and Sam is out on a beer run. Cas appears in the library as Dean is leaning over a weighty tome for research.</p><p>They talk for a while, and Dean could swear Cas keeps looking at his lips like he wants them, but there's an emptiness in Dean that makes it kind of hard to think about what happened between them a few weeks ago.</p><p>Logically, Dean knows that he's been waiting for the perfect moment to kiss Cas again. And yet somehow, he doesn't want to. He's perfectly content looking at Cas at the other side of the table, just watching him smile and hearing him talk.</p><p>He doesn't even mind that much when Sam comes back and destroys their little moment.</p><p> </p><p>Dean goes to knock on Sam's door the next night, and Sam grumbles a delayed "What?"</p><p>Opening the door reveals to Dean that his brother has already gone to sleep, lamps off and a blanket thrown over his legs halfway. The light from the hallway slips over Sam's face, who hisses at it and rolls over.</p><p>"What is it?" he whines into the pillow.</p><p>Dean swallows and gathers his courage. "I need to talk to you about something."</p><p>"And it can't wait until tomorrow? Is it a hunt?" Sam turns back around, squinting at Dean.</p><p>"No, it's- it's about Cas."</p><p>Sam's eyes widen at that, and he hauls himself up on his elbows. "Yeah?"</p><p>"Yeah." Dean moves into the room, leaving the door open behind him. "The other night, he- uh- he kissed me," he says, sitting down at the end of the bed.</p><p>Sam moves his legs to make space for him. "Oh." is all he says.</p><p>Dean presses his lips together and nods awkwardly, waiting for more.</p><p>"Dean, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate you telling me," Sam starts, and he's using his talking-to-vics voice, so Dean rolls his eyes.</p><p>"But, why did you tell me? Since I'm pretty sure you don't want me to ask for details," Sam finishes.</p><p>Dean huffs and pokes the mattress in thought. "I think he wants to do it again."</p><p>"Okay," Sam says. "And... do <em>you</em>?" he asks carefully.</p><p>Dean buries his face in his hands for a moment, mulling it all over. He decides on "I don't know, Sam."</p><p>"Well, did you like it?"</p><p>Dean scoffs and shoots Sam a look.</p><p>"Is that a yes or a no?" Sam asks.</p><p>Dean sighs in exasperation. "Yes."</p><p>"Okay, so, why don't you want to do it again?"</p><p>"I don't know if I want to!" Dean exclaims. "And I... I used to want it, but then one day I woke up and I didn't really care one way or another."</p><p>"Huh."</p><p>"You think I'm just... y'know..."</p><p>"What? Straight?" Sam laughs. "No, Dean. You said you liked Cas kissing you."</p><p>"Yeah, but, it's Cas. Anyone would-"</p><p>"No, Dean, not anyone would," Sam interrupts him. "Trust me, you're not straight."</p><p>Dean purses his lips. "So, what's wrong with me?"</p><p>"I don't know, Dean." Sam sighs, and it actually sounds kind of sorrowful. "Maybe you just wanted what you couldn't have."</p><p> </p><p>Those words echo in Dean's head as he tries to fall asleep. Could it be true? He turns the thought over, and over again, but it doesn't fit, it's a piece that belongs to a whole other puzzle, one that Dean's not trying to solve.</p><p>There's a mess inside his head, really, strings of thought bundled and knotted up, nothing really makes any sense but there's a lot of everything.</p><p>Dean calms himself down by thinking back to how nice it was to fall asleep to Cas watching him in his dark bedroom, a guardian angel on his shoulder, keeping a respectable and comfortable distance when Dean needed it.</p><p>Dean appreciates Cas so much, everything about him really, and yes, kissing him was nice — hell, it was the highlight of his... year, probably. But right now he wants Cas to just be here; to share space with the angel in pleasant silence.</p><p>But he doesn't pray to him. Cas is probably busy anyway.</p><p> </p><p>The next time Cas visits them is just three days later, and Sam deliberately goes for a grocery trip right when the angel arrives, which Dean doesn't find funny at all.</p><p>Turns out, Cas isn't here on business. He has a few days free from his heavenly affairs and wants to spend them in the bunker with the Winchesters.</p><p>Dean's heart warms at that, but still, he doesn't move closer when he and Cas awkwardly stand in front of each other, the angel licking his lips absentmindedly, eyes flickering around the room.</p><p>It happens twenty minutes later, when they've settled into the library because Cas said he wanted to read, when Cas sets a heavy book down on the table in front of him, smiles and stretches, arms raised, muscles flexing and shirt riding up: Dean's heartbeat quickens and his blood rushes to his face and he feels all kinds of hot.</p><p>Yep, there it is, that feeling.</p><p>He doesn't wait for a second, doesn't give it a chance to disappear; he rushes in to set a hand on either side of Cas' face while the angel's arms are still in the air, pushes himself between Cas' knees. He hesitates for only a second, meeting Cas' shocked eyes, then pulls him in for a kiss.</p><p>This time he notices the gentle scratch of Cas' fuzz on his skin, and it sends a shiver down his spine. Arms wrap around him as he deepens the kiss carefully, relaxing into Cas' embrace.</p><p>Cas parts his lips and Dean lets his tongue explore, heart almost exploding when he meets Cas' tongue and the angel lets out a low hum. It zaps right to Dean's crotch, but he doesn't care, just moves one of his hands to the back of Cas' neck, fingers playing with the short hair there.</p><p>They kiss for what feels like a lifetime, but realistically can't have been more than ten minutes, because what eventually makes them break apart is the sound of Sam arriving back from his shopping trip.</p><p>The heavy thump of the bunker door gives them enough time to unravel themselves from each other, and by the time Sam enters the library Cas is reading his book and Dean sits next to him, watching him and bumping their knees together.</p><p> </p><p>It's a few weeks later.</p><p>When Sam suggested a movie night Dean didn't think that this is how it would end. 'This' — as in: making out with Cas on the couch while Sam is dozing in the armchair not five feet away.</p><p>It went from slow and saccharine to hot and heavy, and now it's positively filthy, and all Dean can do to keep Sam from waking up is to swallow every little moan that slips out of Cas. He's on top of the angel, holding him by the wrists with one hand and exploring his body through the thin fabric of his dress shirt with the other. It's only when Cas bucks his hips up to grind against him that Dean's insecurity gets the best of him, and Dean presses a last, deep kiss on Cas' lips and pulls away, climbing off of the angel with a red face and mumbling something about going to sleep.</p><p>He brushes his teeth and takes a quick shower and wants to slip into his bedroom before either his brother or Cas show up, but Cas is right there in front of his door, waiting.</p><p>"I'd like to watch you sleep, if that's alright," he says, and Dean contemplates pretending to be offended by the suggestion, but it's kind of too late to save his pride here, so he just nods and lets Cas follow him into the room.</p><p>When Dean's settled into bed he expects Cas to sit in the chair and watch him, like the night they first kissed, but Cas slips under the covers next to him and pulls him close.</p><p>Dean's breath hitches, and Cas says "Relax", so Dean tries his best. He does end up falling asleep in Cas's arms, and it feels a lot better than he might admit. Especially when he wakes up and Cas is still there, body heat radiating from him, clothes crinkled, drawing shapes on Dean's chest with the touch of his finger.</p><p>"Mornin'", Dean says, voice filled with sleep.</p><p>Cas smiles at him and kisses him, short and sweet, before getting up to fetch coffee.</p><p> </p><p>So yeah, holy shit. This is happening. This is happening? Dean's just... kissing a dude now, regularly? And not just kissing, no, full-on making out, like horny teenagers. And that's all it is, because Dean doesn't let it go further than that, because there's only so much he can take, and he doesn't even want to think about the logistics of gay sex. He's curious, though, he has to admit, about how Cas would look naked. Naked and in his bed, maybe smiling up at him, maybe gesturing him to come closer. And he wonders what it would feel like to hear Cas whisper filthy things in his ear; whether Dean would come undone at that or if it would just be awkward, and what would happen if Dean did the same to Cas; would the angel understand, how would he react?</p><p>He wants to try it, just to embarrass Cas, because that's always fun. He walks up to him one day after buying some road snacks at a Gas 'n' Sip, while Sam is filling up Baby's gas tank, and thinks of the filthiest thing he could say. But fantasy is so much easier than reality, and all that comes out is a weak "I wanna touch you," and Cas replies, loud enough for Sam to hear, "And I want you to, Dean."</p><p> </p><p>Needless to say, Sam knows.</p><p>Once when Cas zaps away for a moment to get ingredients for a spell Sam wiggles his eyebrows at his brother and says "So."</p><p>And Dean asks "So?", fidgeting with the magic tools that are strewn on the table.</p><p>"You've got it all figured out now, I guess?" Sam gently punches him in the shoulder. "Good for you."</p><p>Dean fights back a smile and shakes his head. "Shut up."</p><p> </p><p>The truth is, Dean hasn't got it all figured out. But hey, he's on the right path — he has <em>some</em> things figured out. He knows that whatever his brain tells him after waking up — whether his love for Cas is mellow or glowing red-hot that day — the fact remains that he does love Cas, and hasn't always, not in this way at least, but will from now on out, always and forever. Because when he looks at Cas he feels at home, and when he touches Cas he feels over the moon, and when he hears Cas' voice he knows everything is going to be okay one way or another, because he and Sammy have got a guardian angel watching over them. And taking care of his baby brother while at the same time being devastatingly handsome is all it really takes for Dean Winchester.</p><p> </p><p>Sam crosses his arms. "You're wrong. Go ask your boyfriend, he'll know." They've been arguing about the specifics of a case the three of them are working together.</p><p>Dean scoffs. "He's not my boyfriend."</p><p>Sam frowns at that and seems honestly surprised. "What?"</p><p>Dean shrugs with raised eyebrows and shoots his brother a look that conveys <em>You heard me.</em></p><p>Sam shakes his head in disbelief. "Incredible," he mutters. "You guys have been all over each other for what, six months now?"</p><p>"Five," Dean corrects him, and instantly regrets it.</p><p>Sam just laughs a short, pitying laugh. "Yeah, okay. So," Sam grins, "Did you say the L-word yet?"</p><p>"Dude." Dean points at his brother. "Not cool."</p><p>"Look, I'm just trying to figure out why you're not boyfriend and... <em>boyfriend</em> yet."</p><p>"I wouldn't consider Cas the 'boyfriend' type," Dean says, more to defend himself than anything.</p><p>Sam tilts his head. "What? What type is he, then? Also, it's not like you're the relationship type either."</p><p>Dean grunts. "Yeah, this conversation is over."</p><p>"No, Dean—", Sam grabs Dean's arm to keep him from walking away, "Seriously, don't be stupid. Who knows how long you have left — how long any of us have left. Don't let that time go to waste."</p><p>"Yeah, and while I'm at it, I'll ask him to marry me. Have kids. Reserve us spots at a retirement home." Dean shoots Sam a look. "That's not us, and you know it."</p><p>Sam rolls his eyes and sighs. "I didn't say you have to marry him, that was all you. I just mean, maybe Cas would enjoy knowing that you're, like, officially together or somethin'."</p><p>"I don't think Cas cares much," Dean says honestly.</p><p>"Well," Sam shrugs, "even then, <em>you</em> do."</p><p> </p><p>Sam's right, of course, but Dean would never admit it.</p><p>This whole thing, that awkward step between dating and being a couple... Dean's never liked it. It's much easier when everything is well-defined, with boundaries, so nobody has to lose sleep over it and nobody has to get hurt.</p><p>That being said, transitioning into an actual relationship is hard, and Dean was never good at asking, always waited until the girl asked. And the women he dated were all smart and picked up on it, and did ask.</p><p>Cas is also smart of course. Hell, he's a lot smarter than Dean, and maybe even smarter than Sam (but don't tell him that), but he is <em>universe</em> smart, not <em>people</em> smart. And besides, he doesn't seem to be bothered by the lack of definition for their relationship, he just seems content, and hey, Dean is happy too, but he's also a bit nervous: nervous that Cas might not understand that Dean wants to be exclusive, or that Cas might not understand that Dean never wants this to end, or that Cas might not understand that Dean really loves him—</p><p>Oh shit, he's going to have to tell him, doesn't he?</p><p> </p><p>He plans it like this:</p><p>He and Cas would spend the evening in bed together, as they sometimes did: Cas reading for enjoyment, and Dean listening to some soft rock in an attempt to get sleepy. (Cas is really adamant about Dean getting enough hours of sleep, so now they're in bed by midnight more often than not. It takes some getting used to.)</p><p>When Cas lays his book by the side and kisses Dean's temple — which is his way of saying goodnight, Dean learned — Dean would sit up tell him. Being sleepy always loosens his tongue, and Cas looks particularly beautiful in Dean's bed, so all in all it shouldn't be too difficult.</p><p> </p><p>It happens differently.</p><p>It happens, horrifyingly, when they're all in the car.</p><p>Sam's in the passenger side complaining about the radio station Dean chose. Dean grunts at him, repeating his rules about shotguns and pie holes.</p><p>Sam gives up with an "Okay, okay, jeez," but then Cas chimes in, from the middle back seat, "I agree with your brother, I would also like a different song."</p><p>Dean grips the steering wheel tighter. Okay, the song on the radio sucks, but he can't admit that now, can he?</p><p>"Ugh, fine," he says, and puts as much annoyance in there as possible.</p><p>"What?" Sam snaps at him. "Come on, why do you listen to Cas and not me?" he whines.</p><p>"Yes, Dean, why?" Cas asks from behind him.</p><p>Dean rolls his eyes. "Because I love you, now shut up." The words slip out before he can stop himself.</p><p>There's a second of silence as Dean turns the knob to a different station. A slow rock ballad starts filling the car. Dean's gaze flicks towards the rearview mirror and he sees Cas's face. A soft smile is spreading over it.</p><p>"I love you too, Dean," Cas says happily, meeting his eyes in the mirror.</p><p>Dean looks away. He feels his brother staring at him for a full minute before Sam finally turns away. He leans towards the window, making himself as small as possible, as if he weren't even there. That fucker.</p><p>Dean clears his throat and can't help shooting Cas a quick smile via the mirror before returning his eyes to the road.</p><p>Sam doesn't say anything for the rest of the drive, probably to get them to talk, but they don't.</p><p> </p><p>Dean doesn't expect much to change, at least not yet. They still haven't made anything official, Dean hasn't even breached the topic yet, but somehow their relationship seems more rounded.</p><p>Dean slips his hand into Cas' sometimes, just to see if he likes it, which he usually does. When he does, he keeps it there until Cas lets go, which can be hours later. When he doesn't, he pulls away as if it was an accident and lets their knuckles bump together instead. Those times usually involve Sam being around, or something dumb like FBI suits. (Of course there's never any PDA on the job, but even when they're done and just haven't gotten around to changing into their normal clothes yet Dean feels weird about being affectionate towards Cas with a false personality on himself.)</p><p>Cas likes to nuzzle into Dean's neck and place soft kisses there, whispering "I love you" into his ear and dragging his fingers over Dean's collarbone. That makes him feel all kinds of funny.</p><p>Most unexpected, however, is that they start having sex.</p><p>Well, not sex-sex. Dean still has trouble coming around to the idea of that. Though he hasn't said anything about it, Cas seems to know somehow, and he doesn't push Dean, which Dean appreciates immensely.</p><p>Cas usually keeps a clear head when they're making out. It's kind of annoying because Dean doesn't want anything more than to see Cas come undone by his touch. But it's probably good for them both that at least one of them stays sane.</p><p>Dean... Well, Dean's brain clocks out whenever Cas' hands start traveling around his body, touching and squeezing and pinching and scratching softly. Cas' mouth usually follows close behind, sucking hickeys into Dean's sensitive spots. Dean stopped covering them up after the third time Sam noticed one of the deep-blue bruises on his neck; it's no good anyway.</p><p>Cas always liked talking to Dean during their make-out sessions. From the very start, he always made sure that Dean is comfortable and that whatever he is doing feels good. Lately, however, Cas slips in other things in between the questions. Endearments, prayers, and then, after the thing in the car, "I love you"s.</p><p>When Dean breathes his response into Cas' lips for the first time Cas moans hard and grips Dean's shoulders more tightly. And when Dean keeps saying it — because if that's the reaction he gets out of Cas for it, he sure as hell is going to continue — Cas truly unravels, and that's when they do it for the first time:</p><p>At first, Cas seems hungry enough for Dean's lips that he would starve without them. He keeps pressing hard kisses on Dean, not breaking them apart until Dean is desperate for air.</p><p>It's delicious and hot, and Dean moans Cas' name inbetween and repeats Cas' "I love you"s eagerly. And that is what riles Cas up, and Dean finds himself buried into the mattress with a very horny angel on top of him, blissfully sliding their cocks together through the fabric of their underwear and moaning at the sensation of it.</p><p>Dean can't help himself, and soon they're naked, and Cas' hand is wrapped around Dean's cock, and Dean comes embarrassingly fast.</p><p>When Cas comes, just a few seconds after him, the ceiling light bursts and sends red-hot sparks flying down unto them.</p><p> </p><p>Sam, who is always the one reaching up towards ceilings due to his height, fixes the light in Dean's room and asks them how it broke in the first place.</p><p>Cas answers honestly, much to Dean's shock.</p><p>And that's how Sam finds out that they have sex.</p><p> </p><p>Now that they've done it once, they keep at it. Cas learns to control himself after a while, which means that Sam puts the box of spare lightbulbs back into the storage room he got it from.</p><p>It also means that Cas learns how to make love, and not just rub their sweaty bodies together in desperation. He worships every inch of Dean's body, and while Dean can't possibly accept any of the beautiful compliments he gets, he does like hearing them; likes Cas' undivided attention on him, and the way he makes such a human, biological act feel angelic and graceful.</p><p>Dean enjoys giving back everything he receives from Cas, every kiss and touch, every "I love you" and "You're beautiful". He makes sure to let Cas into the spotlight sometimes, shushing him with a soft kiss and getting him off while whispering sweet nothings in his ear.</p><p>If you asked Dean, he would tell you that he expected to like Cas' feminine side: his full lips, soft skin, his smooth chest, his small waist. Maybe the dip of his lower back, where his back ends and his butt begins. Or the way his moans are an octave higher than Dean expected.</p><p>But Dean is surprised to find out that it's the exact opposite: Though he does appreciate Cas' womanly features, his favorite parts of the angel's body are the most masculine: his pleasure trail, which Dean loves places kisses along; his thick thighs decorated with dark hair; his shoulders; his big feet; the deepness of his voice when he attempts (and succeeds at) dirty talk; the way his beard scratches him when Cas is kissing or going down on him.</p><p>One time, when Dean is a bit drunk, he is getting his balls kissed and sucked on, and it feels so fucking good that he pushes Cas' face down further. Cas hums happily and nabs at Dean's butt before carefully spreading the asscheeks and licking at Dean's hole. It sends a shiver of cold panic through Dean's body, so he pulls Cas up again, and Cas happily takes Dean's cock in his mouth and finishes their togetherness in that way.</p><p>That's the furthest they ever went, and Dean's glad of it.</p><p> </p><p>A few weeks pass and they're on a hunt. Sam is searching the house for EMF and Dean and Cas talk to the vics: a young mother and her daughter. The child saw a ghost and doesn't want to talk, so Dean requests for the woman to step out of the room for a second. He gives his usual talk to the kid: that he believes everything, and he wants to hear what the girl has to say, no matter how crazy it sounds. It doesn't get her to talk, however, and then it's Cas' turn to attempt to get information out of her. Cas has learned a lot about social cues and human emotion, so he goes for the personal route: he kneels in front of the girl and tells her "My name is Castiel. I'm not actually from the FBI. Me and my friends, we're ghostbusters."</p><p>The girl seems interested in that, staring at him with big eyes.</p><p>Cas continues, pulling Dean closer by his pant leg. "This is Dean, my boyfriend."</p><p>Dean almost chokes in his own spit and holds on to a bookcase to stabilize himself. <em>Boyfriend!?</em></p><p>"He's really good at hunting ghosts," Cas says, apparently unaware of the effect of his words on Dean. "If you really did see a ghost then you need to tell us all about it so we can catch it. Can you do that?"</p><p>The kid nods slowly and gives her statement with a lot of stuttering.</p><p>Dean can't quite concentrate on the information, and when Sam asks them about it later it is Cas who repeats her words to him.</p><p> </p><p>When they've finished their hunt the girl gives her thanks — adorably, Dean has to admit — by gifting a drawing to Cas. She says "Thank you Castiel," then turns towards Dean and says "Thank you Castiel's boyfriend," then turns towards Sam, hesitates, and thanks him as well.</p><p>They leave the house and Cas zaps away, promising to meet them back at the bunker.</p><p>Sam has a dumb-ass grin on his face when they get into the car. Dean wants to turn on some loud music to deter conversation, but Sam is quicker, swatting his hand away from the radio.</p><p>"Boyfriend, huh?" he teases.</p><p>Dean wants to say 'Yeah', but he's not so sure that's the right answer. He starts the engine.</p><p>"What is it?" Sam asks, curious, having picked up on Dean's insecurity.</p><p>"Nothing," Dean deflects.</p><p>"Come on," Sam says. "I know when you're lying."</p><p>Dean grunts, but still doesn't know what to say.</p><p>"Did you finally ask him?"</p><p>Sam is watching Dean intently.</p><p>"No," Dean replies. "I haven't."</p><p>"Oh." Sam furrows his brows. "So Cas—?"</p><p>"No. He didn't, either."</p><p>Sam chuckles lightly and turns back to the window. "Seems like he thinks you're already official."</p><p>"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Dean grumbles.</p><p>"You should talk to him about it."</p><p>"You sound like a broken record, you know that?" Dean complains.</p><p>"Well, maybe if you were better at communicating I wouldn't have to tell you all the time," Sam defends himself.</p><p>He's right. Again.</p><p> </p><p>Cas is sitting at the war table. Several lore books as well as the drawing he received from the girl are spread out in front of him. He looks up when the brothers enter.</p><p>"Hey," Sam greets the angel.</p><p>"Hello Sam," Cas says and gets up. "Dean." He walks up to Dean and embraces him for a short moment, placing a kiss on his lips as they pull apart again.</p><p>"I'm beat," Sam says, and excuses himself as he slips away towards his bedroom.</p><p>Dean looks at Cas, feeling exhausted himself but knowing there is one more conversation he has to have before he can go to sleep.</p><p>"Cas," he begins, and the angel smiles at him warmly. "There's something I need to ask you." Cas starts to frown, but Dean raises his hands. "No, no, don't worry. Everything's alright."</p><p>"Okay," Cas says and interlocks their fingers before sitting down on one of the chairs, pulling Dean down with him. "What is it?" he asks, voice low and gruff, while Dean sits down on top of him, straddling him.</p><p>Dean inclines his head to touch their foreheads together, then leans back so he can look into Cas' eyes.</p><p>He hesitates for a moment. "You introduced me as your boyfriend," he then says matter-of-factly.</p><p>Cas tilts his head and squints. "Yes." He squeezes Dean's hand softly.</p><p>Dean sighs. "We're... not."</p><p>Cas lets his gaze wander over to the child's drawing on the table and thinks for a moment. "We're not?" he asks, brows furrowed.</p><p>"No, not really." Dean gently directs Cas' chin to face him again. "You haven't asked."</p><p>"I see." Cas nods, meeting his gaze.</p><p>"I'm not saying it's your fault," Dean rushes to say and closes his eyes. It's his own fault, of course. He's too much of a chicken to actually go for the things he wants.</p><p>Cas hums. "You haven't asked, either."</p><p>"Yeah, Cas, I was—" Dean opens his eyes again. "I was scared," he finishes. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"I love you," Cas simply says and kisses him. Dean melts into it, wrapping his arms around Cas' back. The angel's warmth spreads through him, through his veins into his heart and soul, familiar and yet celestial.</p><p>It feels better than Dean can bear.</p><p>"I don't deserve you," he mutters.</p><p>Cas presses another kiss on Dean's lips. "You deserve everything good in this world, Dean. And if you had asked me I would have said yes. So I will ask you now. May I have the honor of being your boyfriend?"</p><p>"Yeah, Cas," Dean breathes, a smile on his face.</p><p>Cas chuckles warmly. "Good."</p><p>"Good," Dean says, and kisses his boyfriend.</p><p> </p><p>With time, Dean and Cas, the hunter and the angel, become a well-known pair.</p><p>Jody finds out because Sam thinks them being official gives him the right to spread the word. She's sweet about it; doesn't make a big deal out of it but wishes them well. Dean grumbles a thank you at Sam's phone.</p><p>Cas gets a call from Claire half an hour later, and reports to Dean that Jody has told her daughters.</p><p>Garth gets told by Sam the next time he does some research work for them, and the werewolf is very enthusiastically excited about the news, which makes Dean blush so hard that Sam teases him for it for a full day.</p><p>Cas doesn't mind so much. He doesn't have any qualms about PDA and kisses Dean whenever possible. This includes that one time they meet up with Crowley to discuss a plan. Crowley's mouth just falls open and he stares at them, scandalized, until Sam says "Come on, Crowley..." in an accusing tone, upon which Crowley complains that Dean chose the trenchcoated angel without even attempting another chance at the king of hell.</p><p>Rowena's reaction is a simple, heavily-accented "Good for you" and a whisper into Cas' ear that he refuses to share with Dean, claiming it wasn't important.</p><p>Dean tells Bobby in prayer, hoping that maybe somehow he can hear it up in heaven. He says, "Hey Bobby. There's something I think you should know. Me and Cas, we're kind of... together now. Like, as in, a couple. Just thought I'd tell ya, so you're not too shocked when we do finally end up in heaven with you. Miss you."</p><p>After that, Cas reckons that Dean should pray to John as well. Dean prays to his mother instead, asking her to tell dad.</p><p> </p><p>Out of the corner of his eye Dean sees that Cas added a heart emotion to his contact name. It's sickeningly sweet.</p><p> </p><p>"Dean, I'd like to try penetrative sex with you," Cas says.</p><p>Dean spits out the drink he was about to swallow, and it sprays all over Sam.</p><p>Sam beats his hand on the table and says, "Not at the dinner table, Cas," as he wipes himself down. The angry tone in his voice shuts Cas up.</p><p>Dean, very uncharacteristically, doesn't finish his meal.</p><p> </p><p>He has been with women who wanted to peg him, but he's never allowed it, not even just to try it. Although he has never had a problem with nudity, he thinks man's asshole is one of those things that should remain private.</p><p>It's different with Cas, though, because he trusts Cas completely, has no qualm about showing him every part of himself. The angel saw his soul and put together his atoms, it's not like it gets anymore intimate than that.</p><p>It's just... It's gay sex. And sure, he's heard claims that it feels good, that it feels better for men than it does for women even. But that just sounds... fake.</p><p>Everytime Cas brings it up, Dean feverishly attempts to change the topic. But that day after dinner Cas doesn't let himself get shaken off: As soon as Sam goes to the library Cas traps Dean between his arms and the kitchen counter.</p><p>"Please let's talk about it," the angel says.</p><p>"About?" Dean feigns ignorance.</p><p>Cas sighs. "Penet-"</p><p>"Okay, okay, don't say that word again please," Dean interrupts him.</p><p>Cas rolls his eyes, but there's a faint smile on his lips. "I would like to try it," he says.</p><p>He hasn't really made a clear request like this before, and it throws Dean off-balance.</p><p>"Uh, okay, listen, Cas," he starts, tone apologetic. "I don't want that. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I'm sorry, it's just..." He trails off with no intention of finishing his sentence, thinking Cas will interrupt him.</p><p>But Cas just looks at him, waiting, with those big blue eyes of his.</p><p>Dean sighs. "It's just," he says again, "I've never done it, and it looks kind of painful—"</p><p>Thank god Cas interrupts him this time.</p><p>"I know what you're afraid of, Dean, but please hear me out." He leans in closer, raising his chin and regarding Dean with an unwavering stare and dilated pupils. "I want you," he says, dragging out each word as if it was the most important thing in the world, "<em>inside</em> of me. I want to <em>feel</em> you inside of me, Dean. I want to be close to you." These last words he whispers onto Dean's lips, almost touching, but not quite.</p><p>Dean swallows heavily.</p><p>For some reason, he had forgotten that it also works the other way around. Lately, when he imagined it he always thought Cas would dominate him. It was obvious. Cas was an angel, a powerful celestial being, and Dean was just... Dean. There to take everything Cas would give him. Well, in his fantasies anyways, because everything's easier there. Real-world Dean is scared.</p><p>Real-world Dean was also getting deepthroated by Cas, held down by Cas, commanded around by Cas. Ever since they started having sex it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to Dean that Cas would be topping him.</p><p>But now, <em>now...</em> Oh boy. Now Dean can't stop thinking about fucking Cas' ass. His gorgeous, round, muscly ass. God, he would be so tight, so good—</p><p>"Okay, yeah, fuck yeah," Dean breathes, and connects their lips for a desperate kiss. He feels Cas smile against him and hungrily presses closer, thrusting his tongue into Cas' mouth, who accepts it eagerly, meeting it with his own.</p><p>Dean is still trapped between Cas' arms, so he does the only thing he can do, which is bucking his hips against Cas. Cas moans like a fucking pornstar, grinding against Dean, pressing him against the counter. One of his hands slips into Dean's jeans, the other pulls down the zipper, slowly.</p><p>Dean can't wait; is going crazy; crazy for Cas. He buries his fists in Cas' hair and pulls, breaking them apart and exposing Cas' neck, which Dean immediately bites at, dragging his teeth along the sensitive skin and listening to small groans bubble out of Cas.</p><p>Cas' hands at Dean's crotch go limp, and Dean throws his hips forward again to keep the action going.</p><p>"We— We should probably, <em>ahh</em>, go to t-the bedroom," Cas pushes out between moans.</p><p>Dean sucks a hickey into his neck before releasing him. "Good idea."</p><p>Cas' hand vanishes from Dean's pants and a moment later Dean is pulled out of the kitchen, past Sam, quickly into the direction of their bedroom.</p><p>Dean hears Sam's sarcastic shout before they close the door, "Jeez, I wonder what you two could <em>possibly</em> be up to!"</p><p> </p><p>Not ten minutes later Cas is naked in front of him, face down, ass up, and Dean thinks he might pass out from the sight of it.</p><p>Cas was captivating, enchantingly beautiful, skin already shimmering with sweat, healthy muscles clearly visible underneath, even there on his ass, which Dean can't stop staring at.</p><p>Dean has done anal sex. Many times. He loved it when girls would ask for it shyly, or when they would demand it without shame. It didn't matter, Dean was always up for it. No problem.</p><p>But Cas. Wow.</p><p>"Dean..." Cas mewls, hand on his own cock, stroking slowly.</p><p>Dean swallows a humiliating sound, and thinks to himself, <em>Get yourself together, man</em>, and takes a hesitant step towards the bed. He's just as naked as Cas, having gotten rid of both their clothing minutes ago.</p><p>Cas is waiting for him to do something, desperate for touch, grimacing.</p><p>Dean is kind of terrified, and he's not sure why, but he wants to make Cas feel good, so he finally manages to cup Cas' asscheeks in his hands and squeezes.</p><p>Cas thrusts backward, craving more, begging. "Please, Dean... Please... wanted this so long..."</p><p>Dean takes a deep breath and spreads Cas, letting his fingers run over Cas' hole carefully, eliciting a heavy moan from the angel.</p><p>"You like that, baby?" Dean purrs, words a lot more confident than he feels, and presses the tip of his index finger in. Cas is already lubed up, having done so himself while Dean was watching in a mixture of slight panic and overwhelming arousal.</p><p>Cas moans again, and his whole body is trembling, and Dean wants to wrap himself around him, steady him, tell him (or rather, himself) that everything is going to be okay.</p><p>Dean realizes that nothing at all is stopping him from doing so, and he leans over Cas, pressing his abdomen onto Cas' back, and starts to whisper promises into the angel's ear while he pushes his finger deeper into him.</p><p> </p><p>They get lost in each other, anxieties soon vanishing into thin air, and it ends with Dean filling Cas exactly like Cas begged him to.</p><p>Afterward, Dean licks him clean while Cas chases his own orgasm, coming all over their shared bed.</p><p>Cas is absolutely blissed out then, in a way Dean hasn't seen since he saw Apocalypse Cas high on weed, and he chuckles to himself as he places tiny, calming kisses on Cas' chest.</p><p>Cas seemed to have enjoyed himself.</p><p>Maybe this is something Dean's gotta try after all.</p><p> </p><p>"Do not, I repeat, <em>do not</em> put your crusty-ass bedsheets in the laundry when it's my turn to wash," Sam says.</p><p>He's holding the sheets in his hand, arm stretched far out, nose wrinkled.</p><p>Cas just giggles, and Dean realizes that he wants to be with him forever.</p><p> </p><p>"Dean," Sam says, having stopped clicking around in his laptop.</p><p>Dean looks up from his phone. "Yeah?"</p><p>"I just saw: There's a pride parade not even fifty miles from here. Today."</p><p>"Okay," Dean puts his phone on the table and looks at his brother. "So what, is there a case?"</p><p>Sam shoots him a lopsided smile and chuckles. "No, there's no case. I just thought maybe—"</p><p>"Oh." Dean furrows his brows. "Uh, no, thank you."</p><p>"What? Why not? It could be fun."</p><p>"Yeah, not my definition of fun." Dean takes a sip of his coffee.</p><p>"Cas would like it," Sam says with a shrug.</p><p>Dean groans. His bastard of a brother knows exactly what he's doing. "Fine. I'll ask him."</p><p> </p><p>Cas persuades Dean, and all three of them end up in the middle of a big, colorful festival that's pressed down from the heat of June.</p><p>Turns out that Cas just wanted to do some people-watching, so instead of marching they stand on the sidelines and point at funny signs or crazy outfits until they grow hungry.</p><p>Cas offers to buy some street food for all of them, and Sam hands him some cash.</p><p>"Remember, no meat for me," he says as he drops coins into Cas' palm. "Thanks."</p><p>Cas nods and gives Dean a kiss before turning around and scouting for a food vendor. Dean looks after him, watching him disappear into the crowd, and when he turns back around he bumps into an older woman who seems to just have appeared there.</p><p>"Hey sweetie," she says, Texan drawl immediately making her seem likable to Dean. "First Pride?"</p><p>"Uh, yeah," Dean stutters, and exchanges a glance with Sam.</p><p>"I'm Linda."</p><p>"Dean." He clears his throat. "Winchester."</p><p>"Nice to meet you, Dean." Linda turns towards Sam, regarding him for a moment. "And you are?"</p><p>"Sam," he answers politely, with a genuine smile on his face. "Dean's brother."</p><p>"Gay or ally?" she asks with a wicked grin.</p><p>Sam laughs. "Emotional support."</p><p>Linda laughs before looking at Dean again. "Don't let all the colors get you down; queer comes in all shapes and sizes." Her eyes trail down Dean's outfit — a gray plaid shirt, sleeves rolled up, dark cloth trousers, and boots that are decidedly too hot for this kind of weather but at least look nice. Even though it's one of Dean's better outfits, which he changed into before they left the bunker, Dean feels inadequate.</p><p>"It's a bit scary at first, but don't worry, that'll pass," Linda continues. "I'm one of the organizers of this whole craziness. If you need anythin', just shout, okay?"</p><p>Dean smiles at her. "Okay-dokey."</p><p>"Thank you, ma'am," Sam says.</p><p>She smiles at them both and walks to the next group of people a few feet over.</p><p>Sam and Dean exchange looks, but neither of them say anything.</p><p>Not even a minute later Cas comes back with three containers of hot dogs balanced in his arms.</p><p>"Cas..." Sam begins.</p><p>Cas shoves one of the containers into Sam's hands. "This one is vegan."</p><p>Sam hums in pleasant surprise and starts to dig in while Cas hands Dean the bigger one of the remaining hot dogs. "This one is the daily special. And this one..." he indicates the one he has left, "...I'll be holding for you until you've finished your first."</p><p>Dean grins at him. "God, I love you."</p><p>Cas frowns. "Please don't mention my father."</p><p>Sam's laugh sprays them both with disgusting bits of vegan dog.</p><p> </p><p>Once they have finished their food Cas stands behind Dean and wraps his arms around him, placing his chin on Dean's shoulder.</p><p>Dean leans into the touch even though they're both sweaty and hot, and relishes Cas' slow breathing against his back while watching the last stragglers of the parade walk by.</p><p>"I remember Stonewall," Cas murmurs thoughtfully. "It wasn't all that long ago."</p><p>Dean doesn't really know what he's talking about, but he sees Sam look at Cas with a mix of sadness and excitement.</p><p>"You were there?" Sam asks with wonder in his voice.</p><p>"Yes," Cas replies, sorrowful, and falls quiet again.</p><p>"You should tell us about it. Actually, you should tell us about everything you've seen, Cas," Sam says. "I bet you have lots of stories."</p><p>"Almost infinitely many, yes," Cas confirms wistfully.</p><p>Dean grins. "Well, we have all the time in the world." He moves to grab Cas' hands that are resting on his own stomach and squeezes.</p><p>Cas sighs. "I wish that were true."</p><p> </p><p>The bunker feels comfortably cool for the men after standing in the summer sun for as long as they did.</p><p>On their way home, they discussed their plan for the rest of the day, so Dean immediately goes to the kitchen to warm up yesterday's dinner leftovers while Sam prepares the Netflix documentary.</p><p>He finds Sam and Cas in his bedroom, Sam on the tiny couch and Cas spread out on their bed, head in hands, watching previews.</p><p>Dean motions Cas to sit up and hands the two of them their food before getting comfortable next to Cas and pressing play.</p><p>An hour and a half later Dean knows about Stonewall. When Cas starts giving his personal account of the event Sam moves to them on the bed, leaving them all very cramped.</p><p>Dean listens to Cas talk and sees his baby brother looking at the angel with big eyes, and he feels Sam's knee against his own and Cas' arm around his waist, and he's thankful for it all.</p><p> </p><p>They doze off to another Netflix documentary — Dean and Cas shoulder-to-shoulder against the headboard, heads hanging slack; the end of the bed occupied by Sam's curled up body, or however much of it there is space for.</p><p>They all awake to the sound of Sam plummeting to the floor.</p><p>Dean laughs at him for a full five minutes before deciding that the bed is too small even for just two people, and that he and Cas will have to get a bigger one.</p><p>It's Cas' first Ikea experience, and when he and Dean can't make heads or tails of the instructions ("I <em>swear</em>, Sammy, that type of screw just <em>isn't</em> included!") it's Sam's turn to laugh. Dean ends up doing most of the building while Cas compares his progress with the pictures in the manual.</p><p>Once they're done Sam hands them cold beers and makes a toast to affordable furniture. He leaves when Dean points to the bed and says to Cas that it's time to break it in.</p><p> </p><p>Fall comes and goes with many hunts but without death-scares or end-of-the-world scale happenings. The hunters keep talking about how they should probably kill Crowley, with him being the king of hell and all, but their hearts aren't really in it, so nothing comes of it.</p><p>They spend Christmas in the bunker with a giant tree where the telescope usually stands. Dean gets an ironic ugly Christmas sweater for Cas, and Cas keeps wearing it well into January.</p><p>Dean doesn't plan on celebrating Valentine's day, but Cas prepares him breakfast in bed, so then he kind of has to step up to Cas' level. Sam's "Awwwww!" when Dean shoves a bouquet of roses into the angel's hands is really fucking annoying.</p><p> </p><p>"So... It's March." Sam begins.</p><p>Dean looks up from the coffee machine. "Okay. And?"</p><p>"You guys have been together for a year now."</p><p>Dean turns around to face his brother. "You memorized our anniversary? Gross, dude."</p><p>Sam rolls his eyes. "I just remember it being March because— Whatever. Anything planned?"</p><p>Dean sighs and picks up his full coffee cup. "Guess not."</p><p>Sam nods and takes a bite out of his croissant. "How are you by the way?" he asks, mouth full of food. "Everything okay between you two?"</p><p>"Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"</p><p>"I'm not saying there's something wrong." He swallows. "Just wanted to make sure."</p><p>Dean shrugs. "Okay."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>"Dean, I'd like to talk about our future," Cas announces when they're snuggled up in bed four days later.</p><p>They've been on a hunt, and Dean kind of hoped to finally get some well-deserved sleep. Alas, Cas continues.</p><p>"I have been thinking about our relationship."</p><p>That wakes Dean up a little, and he turns his head to look at the angel. "What'd I do?" he asks, half-jokingly.</p><p>Cas smiles at him, warm and lovingly, and Dean immediately calms down.</p><p>"Dean," Cas begins. "You.... changed me. You and Sam, you mean everything to me. This life..." — he lets a pensive look travel around the room — "... I don't want it to end."</p><p>Dean grabs Cas' hand tighter and pulls it towards himself. "It won't."</p><p>Cas sighs and presses a slow kiss on Dean's knuckles. "You are so fragile. Even if you survive until you're old—"</p><p>"Hate to break it to you, but I'm already old," Dean chuckles.</p><p>Cas leans it yet again, this time to kiss Dean's forehead. "Your youth is almost incomprehensible to me." He pauses before continuing, thinking, sorrowful eyes on Dean's own.</p><p>"I dread the moment you will be taken from me," Cas says. "Whether it be today, tomorrow, or in fifty years. I don't think I will be able to continue — having known you; having known <em>this</em>." He squeezes Dean's hand. "Before you, I was barely alive. After you... I fear I will die."</p><p>Dean feels hot tears rising. "Don't talk like that." His voice sounds choked.</p><p>Cas sighs regretfully. "I apologize."</p><p>"For what it's worth," Dean forces himself to smile, "I'll be in heaven, right? You can just visit me." A mix between a laugh and a sob escapes him as a thought crosses his mind. "Maybe you'll be forced to stay there. Y'know, since it can't be my heaven without you."</p><p>Cas slides down the headboard, pressing his body closer to Dean's and nuzzling into his chest. "Yes. Maybe my brothers and sisters will see how much you mean to me, and chain me there," he murmurs dreamily. "I would stay with you forever. If you let me."</p><p>Dean wraps his arms around Cas. "Please do."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I don't think I've ever posted a fic this long in one go! But I didn't want to cut this into chapters.</p><p>Hope you enjoyed - please leave comments, they make my day! ♥</p></blockquote></div></div>
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